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To whom it may matter,

1

How many airports? How many terminals have I ever walked in? How many flights and how many bus lines have I taken? I don’t know. I always need help remembering such things. Who does not? What matters is that every time I’ve been on the road or waiting in dull airport corners, it has always been a moment of reflection for me. Especially whenever I travel overnight or without an internet connection. Every commute from Tehran to Isfahan was a big thing for me back in the day. All my important decisions have been made there. When you are on a bus with no internet connection, passing through a desert with a uniform reddish-yellow landscape, you get trapped with yourself. You gotta tolerate your very self for long hours. And that is when you devise a solution to communicate with the guy you have been trapped with. It is you and you. There is no place to escape to, and you are also a bit sleep-deprived and on a high dose of caffeine, so not in regular conditions. It’s like when you’re drunk but better for decision-making!

2

My brain functions differently at different hours. I can be productive in different things at varying hours of the day. For example, with math, my best performance comes in the morning; with coding, it’s after lunch; and finally, with writing, as I’m typing these words right now, it’s around midnight. My writing always gets better as the dawn is approaching.

3

It’s 05:39 in the morning now, and I’m at gate 29 of Helsinki airport, departing to Munich and later to Abu Dhabi. The best social part of doing science is attending conferences abroad. You get to talk to many people who are usually less eager to speak to others. Again, a trapping situation. Conference participants are trapped together, so they, or at least some of them, try to make the best out of this experience. There’s also one more feature of conferences that I like. To me, they resemble one-night stands! You see some random people, you talk to them, they tell you their unpublished ideas, you go to a bar or a club with them, and sometimes you forget what exactly you said to that Irish guy or the girl from Argentina. You just perform differently, act differently, and most of the time, don’t really expect people you hang out with to remember you in the future. Well, the premise is different, but in practice, there would be a handful of people you may be in contact with out of a hundred or two you meet.

I’m now going to Abu Dhabi to attend a school on computational social science. This time, it feels different to me. Yet, I don’t know why. Either the world has started to feel different after submitting my thesis, or I’m just getting experienced enough so that I can jet around the globe this sober. The school is gonna be a long one, for two weeks. It looks like a serious one. They have asked us to read more than two thick textbooks and get over with programming in Python for social science problems. I have done neither of them. Very busy with finalizing the thesis and later busier with enjoying my post-submission time and New Year’s holidays.

4

I’ve recently met someone who’s made me remember how happiness feels. That’s awesome. Since my grandpa passed away, I could not sleep any night without heavy medication. I’ve also been taking some medication for the depression that exploded after his passing. But since I met her, I’ve been making progress. Not with sleeping, tho. I guess that requires more safety around me. Some nights, I wish I could just unplug my brain and go for a tight sleep.

Where was I? Why am I going on this much of a tangent tonight? I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t care. I don’t even know where I am going to publish this. Shall I even publish it somewhere? Or just leave it be? Maybe I shouldn’t.

5

It has been a freezing week so far. The real-feel temperature has been below minus 20 degrees in Helsinki, which is as cold as perkele. I love snow, and I prefer winter to summer. Actually, I prefer anything to summer. But, to be honest, I’m happy that I’m now going to UAE. I checked the weather, and it’s gonna be above 20 degrees there. Which means 40 degrees of shift is awaiting me. Oh boy! It’s gonna be lovely. The only annoying thing is that apparently, I’m gonna share my room. It’s a fancy four-star hotel tho. But I’m not a man of sharing anymore. The school will be for two weeks. I will most probably visit Abu Dhabi this upcoming weekend. In the next one, I’ll go to Dubai to catch up with Reza after not seeing him in person for over two years.

6

What else!? I have also moved to a new office with new officemates, which I know of. I also like this change. The room looks good to me. I’ve named it the Oliver office because it has an excellent olive-green color scheme, and my four-year-old brain connected it with Oliver! I decorated my new office before my leave, so it pops up as a welcome message when I return. Funnily, some days after I arrive in Helsinki, I’ll be going to Lapland with the hope of hunting some aurora. I’m completely broke now, and this trip would cost me more money. But I’m just going for it in a completely irresponsible way.

My life sucks in general, but I like the way it looks. On the surface, it has a design that I like. It’s cozy for me. In the depth of it, however, it’s disparate and miserable. But I have no control over that. I’m not responsible for everything that has happened. I’m just trying to fix things at any depth that I can. As I’ve shared before, there’s someone out of my reach who’s constantly on my mind, occupying my thoughts every waking moment. I may leave Finland soon. And nothing can keep me here more than her. So, Let’s see.

7

By January’s end, I should have the final responses from most of the postdoct positions I’ve applied for. If I get lucky, I may choose in which country I will spend the rest of my journey in science. I’d like to take a position in Boston and then a fellowship in London. But other options exist, such as a good one at Oxford or the WHO office in Berlin. Around nine places abroad may have me, and some wishful thinking is that I may stay at the same office here and work on contact tracing data.

Moving to a new country means starting from scratch. Not that I don’t like it. I’m a big fan of starting anew every once in a lifetime. But, this time’s gonna be the hardest one, I reckon. And with this beloved one, it will even get more complicated if anything changes in my favor. O’ boy, I’m head over heels for her. I love how she dresses, writes, dances, …! Here I am again, harboring affection for someone who belongs to another. How dramatic is my life, and how much of a loser I am?

8

I’m getting 30. Some days, I dream of celebrating my 30th birthday at a café in Boston, alone, with a muffin and a candle on top. I blow out the candle and smile, a survivor’s smile, and then look at the horizon and say; we’ve got work to do; let’s go!

I need to stop this note right now, right here. I have written down all my thoughts at this very moment. I should get some good sleep on the plane.

Gotta go!
Bye

Abbas
Jan 7th, 2024
Helsinki